broken compass

Salam,

I just let my emotion control my thoughts and feelings too much, way too much.

Friends at my age are posting pre wedding pictures (and seriously, I felt like I'm going to live with thousands cats, single in my own home), friends are posting things they bought with their own salary, friends are posting their vacay, friends posting picture of my son/ my daughter and all i did was clicking the like button or say..tahniah. Ya, tahniah. This is insane and I can't even control the feeling of lost in the sea and downgrading myself because i am single, no one to be married to, jobless and cashless (harsh).

I am confused with which way i gotta go later on. I thought graduating will be that okay, no need to worry much but people, I am freaking out. What should i do next? How to handle this? Work? Continue master? Expectation. Perception. I am just tired with allll of these now. Can all of you just leave me alone and give me time to DIGEST eveeerrrything bad happened to me? Can? Sigh this is harder than i thought it could be.

The thing is, if I am going to proceed, I don't have that strong qualification to even apply: I HAVEN'T GRADUATE YET, NOT WITH SINGLE OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT AND GRADUATION ONLY HAPPEN IN NOVEMBER MEANS 4 MONTHS FROM NOW OKAY I FREAKED OUT!

Another side of the story to digest, is...

About my ex. It's been a month and I confidently told everyone "Dude, I'm freaking fine" when all i gotta say to myself everyday " Hold on, don't cry, you miss him while he moved on, just move on". I lie to you, you and you. Most important, I AM LYING TO MYSELF!!! I miss him. I still convinced that he will return back and apologize. I still expect him to care about me. I still think that he'll be missing me like i miss him now. I still expect THINGS from him which I'm likely sure that HE DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I felt that I can bear one single day with these stupid feelings clinging to me. It's hard to do than just say. It's hard to show that you're okay and moving on while in your heart, just learning to pick up small pieces shattered after he left me that day. Ya Allah, what is this? Why I could not handle this? Why it is so difficult to let things go? Why I still expect and wishing things could go back as great as it was before? Why Azzah? Why you let yourself slip away like this and being DEFEATED? Why?

Why?

Birdy-Skinny Love

"Who will love you? Who will fight? And who will fall far behind?"